When I Go Back Home

The Story behind the Songs Newsletter Series
July 18, 2004 Issue #22

When I Go Back Home – written by JR Still 1997

The song starts with the line, “This ole bar stool knows where I spend most all my time.” I originally thought I’d written the song about any guy I could have known or seen seeking some sort of escape or comfort in the bottle at a bar drowning doubts, fears, anger or sorrow. But as fate would have it one night in 2004 when I was singing the song in a little bar in New Zealand (after having song the song for several years) I realised that I was singing a song about me and the life of music that I had chosen. Funny how life and time have a way of changing your perceptions or just opening yours eyes about something you thought you’d seen so clearly for so long. I wasn’t even the guy that I thought I wrote the song about at all.

“In the mirror I see a fool that’s been so blind. The words I haven’t said to her are as bad as the things I’ve done. I’ve pushed her so far away then I’d turn and run. Now, I hope she’s still alone when I go back home.” It hit me like a ton of bricks that night when I was singing what I thought was just a song I’d written about a fictitious character that I believed others could relate too. I saw a truth I’d never seen before and dropped a tear or two right there on the stage. It was a dimly lit stage so I’m pretty sure no one saw but I’m sure if anyone was listening they would have heard my voice break with emotion. Little did I know, years prior when I wrote the song, that I was actually writing about my own future or fate as it might be.

The chorus sings, “I’ve got to make it up to her; I’ll be the man that she deserves,
And I’ll admit that she’s right, I’ll be there to hold her tight. I’ll give her all my love in every way I can and maybe she’ll be proud of who I am.” When a person realises that their own fears about success and failure and their own insecurities about their worthiness of another’s love are the reasons that they’ve been so distant, stubborn and sometimes self destructive at times to the ones that matter most; then the need to change ones own perceptions and beliefs becomes overwhelmingly obvious. That simple realisation can be very liberating, uplifting and inspiring allowing us to accept ourselves for who we are; not what we think we should be or what others may think we should be and therefore allowing others to do the same.

The bridge of the song reveals, “I couldn’t blame her if she’s found somebody new, after all those lonely nights I’ve put her through.” It’s apparent that the consequences of ones actions are expected. As it turned out in my case it was never really an expected outcome but more an understanding of what my actions must have put her through by my being away so much on birthdays, anniversaries, holidays and the like doing what I thought was so important. A life in music is not without its sacrifices but I’m learning to choose more wisely.

As a writer I sometimes write things that I think are just random thoughts or feelings unbeknownst to where the ideas or characters even come from. And then a song like “When I Go Back Home” comes along if only to remind me.

 

I hope you’ve enjoyed the story behind the song. If you’d like other information you can check out the CD credits at www.jamesray.info/cdcredits.html